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Lord North, much reduced by a long illness, thanked his physician for introducing him to some old acquaintances.
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Open this joke ›Everyday Humor
134 jokes
United Kingdom United States Featured
Freddy: Father, what is an egotist?
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“Great news, old man. I’m engaged to a beautiful woman and an intelligent one.”
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“I was coming over to see you last night.”
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"Tell me, does your husband snore?" "Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully." "What?"
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Open this joke ›United States Featured
The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram. "The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students: "Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
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Mother (to child who has been naughty): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"
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He. "What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood has: like spun gold!"
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“Are you engaged to him?” “Yes,” answered the prudent girl. “But I have requested time to verify reports on his title and fortune.”
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Open this joke ›United States Featured
“What did you do when you worked at the sawmills?”
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Open this joke ›United States Featured
“Did you know I was a life-saver last summer?”
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A lady asked her butler how best to keep a cask of small beer from spoiling.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A stranger at the courts was startled to hear a judge address a sergeant as brother.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A man heard that two of his female relations had quarrelled beyond repair.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A young nobleman's mother urged him to copy a gentleman whose food was herbs and whose drink was water.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A bishop recognised a woman who kept turning up at confirmation services. Have I not seen you here before? he asked.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A lord warned Admiral Campbell that the king might knight him. The admiral did not relish the honour.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom Alexander Pope, who was famously severe on kings in his verse, dined with the Prince of Wales and complimented him without mercy.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A gentleman stepped into a church where the choir was singing, with great effort and little skill: have mercy upon us, miserable sinners.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A poet sent King James a manuscript of his verses. The king sent it back with a single note: put it into rhyme.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom An actor playing Richard III declaimed to the mayor and aldermen: come and see me here.
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Open this joke ›United Kingdom A lady sent her bailiff to a fair to buy a sow of a particular size. He came back into a room full of guests, beaming.
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Open this joke ›United States "He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
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Open this joke ›United States Master: "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say 'pneumonia'?"
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Open this joke ›United States "And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?" "Has he?"
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Open this joke ›United States She (anxiously): Oh, sir, won't you help a maiden in distress?
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Open this joke ›United States Tourist: "Have you any cold meat?"
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Open this joke ›United States “Have you had any trouble in meeting your expenses?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Baby’s getting on wonderfully: I’m sure she’ll be able to walk soon.”
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Open this joke ›United States Old Gentleman (to new gardener): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"
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Open this joke ›United States “Do you believe in dreams, daddy?” asked Jink’s little son
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Open this joke ›United States Betty: Have you any green lipstick?
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Open this joke ›United States "I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?" "Of course. Why ask?"
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Open this joke ›United States “Bill’s nowhere near the fool he was.”
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Open this joke ›United States Billings: What, didn't you duck when she threw that case at you?
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Open this joke ›United States Bobby: Pa, what is status quo?
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Open this joke ›United States Briggs: Why have you got the end wall of your garage on hinges?
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Open this joke ›United States Mrs. Goodheart: "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"
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Open this joke ›United States “What’s a college professor?”
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Open this joke ›United States Specialist (to patient suffering from insomnia): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"
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Open this joke ›United States Wife (at upper window): "Where you bin this hour of the night?" "I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
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Open this joke ›United States “Curse you, Mr. Whitmann, once more you are off your Beethoven!”
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Open this joke ›United States Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): "What's the matter?" Voice-from below: "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
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Open this joke ›United States What is a detour?
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Open this joke ›United States “Why didn’t you answer the elevator man when he said ‘up’?”
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Open this joke ›United States Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand: --" Employer: "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."
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Open this joke ›United States New Butler: "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?" Profiteer: "What time do the best people dine?" New Butler: "At different times, Sir."
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Open this joke ›United States Doctor: What you need is a long sea voyage; can you manage it?
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Open this joke ›United States “I don’t believe in the obligation of the state to find work for its citizens.” “Neither do I, but why are you so strong about it?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Ella attracts the men, doesn’t she?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Excuse me, but this is your opera hat. I find I’ve been sitting on it.”
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Open this joke ›United States "You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked up?"
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Open this joke ›United States First Flapper: "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare." Second Flapper: "And what did you do?"
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Open this joke ›United States What do you feed your dog on — table scraps?
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Open this joke ›United States Master: "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"
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Open this joke ›United States “That girl gave me her phone number and it was certainly a descriptive one.”
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Open this joke ›United States “That girl reminds me of a crowbar.” “How come?”
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Open this joke ›United States “There goes that ivy girl.”
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Open this joke ›United States “My goodness!” exclaimed the old lady on the bus, “isn’t the traffic thick?”
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Open this joke ›United States “I got a hunch.” “Really
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Open this joke ›United States “There’s a great picture here we ought to see.” “What is it?” “One of Rembrandt’s.”
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Open this joke ›United States Playful Hostess: "Couldn't you manage one more éclair?" Serious Little Boy: "No, fanks, I've no more room." Playful Hostess: "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"
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Open this joke ›United States Her: So your father lost all his fortune in the peanut industry?
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Open this joke ›United States “Her mind is essentially modern.” “How do you mean?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Will your husband accompany you to Paris?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Is he intelligent?”
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Open this joke ›United States Mistress: "Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"
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Open this joke ›United States Jimmy: For two cents I'd knock your block off.
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Open this joke ›United States "Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
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Open this joke ›United States Employer (inspecting a very inflated bill for work): "Look here: how did you get at this amount?" Odd Jobs Man: "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."
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Open this joke ›United States Lady (to applicant for situation as cook): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
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Open this joke ›United States Kitty: Jane has had her face lifted.
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Open this joke ›United States “How did you know that the car was crowded?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Do you know how to make a peach cordial?”
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Open this joke ›United States Lady: Are you sure these lobsters are fresh?
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Open this joke ›United States “Lay down, pup; lay down!” ordered the man. “Good doggie: lay down, I say.”
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Open this joke ›United States Old Lady (interrogating her chauffeur's small boy): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"
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Open this joke ›United States "Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted." "Faith!
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Open this joke ›United States Lucy: Did you hear that Joan's grandmother was married yesterday?
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Open this joke ›United States "Does God make lions, Mother?"
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Open this joke ›United States "Is she making a rich marriage?"
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Open this joke ›United States “Do you mean to tell me that you have lived here ten years and cannot tell me the quickest way to the station?”
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Open this joke ›United States Employer (rebuking employee for slackness): Have you any idea of the meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?
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Open this joke ›United States A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?"
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Open this joke ›United States The Reporter: "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?" Sledge-hammer Mike: "De solar plexus."
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Open this joke ›United States Mother: "Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"
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Open this joke ›United States Mrs. Greene: Mary, how can you tell an old chicken from a young one?
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Open this joke ›United States Mother: "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?" Mary (demurely): "Yes, Mummy." Mother: "And did you enjoy it?"
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Open this joke ›United States Second-story Worker: "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"
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Open this joke ›United States Nitt: What do you think of these talking pictures?
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Open this joke ›United States "Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"
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Open this joke ›United States "Why are they not speaking?" "They quarreled about which loved the other the more." "Well!"
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Open this joke ›United States “My pen is my upkeep.” “Are you an author?”
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Open this joke ›United States “How could you play hookey from the correspondence school?”
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Open this joke ›United States Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
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Open this joke ›United States “The preacher used very poor discretion Sunday.” “How’s that?”
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Open this joke ›United States "My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?" "Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round." "But it's pouring!
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Open this joke ›United States Lady: "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book." Author (delighted): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"
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Open this joke ›United States Podger (to new acquaintance): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
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Open this joke ›United States "I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?" "A lot!
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Open this joke ›United States “I have,” said the diplomat, “a secretary in whose secrecy I can trust absolutely
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Open this joke ›United States “Yes,” said the oculist, “he had a peculiar affliction; everything he looked at he saw double.” “Poor fellow. I suppose he found it hard to get a job?”
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Open this joke ›United States “Say, what’s that building there?” “Where?”
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Open this joke ›United States “I say, old chap, didn’t I borrow five pounds of you last week?” “No, you didn’t.”
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Open this joke ›United States “Did you see any signs of law and order when you were in Chicago?”
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Open this joke ›United States “I was shocked to hear that Peter had eloped with your wife. I thought he was your best friend.”
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Open this joke ›United States "Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?" "I believe so. Why?"
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Open this joke ›United States Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir." Officer: "Well, what is it?"
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Open this joke ›United States Small Dorothy: Mamma, why hasn’t Papa any hair?
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Open this joke ›United States Small Boy (walking round links with his father): "Daddy, here's a ball for you." Father: "Where did you get that from?" Small Boy: "It's a lost ball, Daddy." Father: "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
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Open this joke ›United States Teacher: What great law is Newton credited with discovering?
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Open this joke ›United States “And what do you think of the Grand Canyon, Hokku?”
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Open this joke ›United States Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought." Bride: "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"
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Open this joke ›United States "But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
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Open this joke ›United States Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"
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Open this joke ›United States Traveler: Why didn’t they build this hotel more than three stories high?
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Open this joke ›United States Two fathers of college seniors were discussing their sons: “Why, my son is so lazy that he wants to open an ice factory in Alaska.”
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Open this joke ›United States “Was your uncle’s life insured?”
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Open this joke ›United States “I can’t understand,” explained the restaurant manager, “why customers complain. This soup is really excellent.”
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Open this joke ›United States Mother: "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"
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Open this joke ›United States "Can you play bridge to-night?" "Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner." "What: do you like the stuff?"
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Open this joke ›United States “By the way, Joe, don’t worry any more about that ten dollars you owe me.” “How come? Don’t you want it?”
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Open this joke ›United States "And about the salary?" said the movie star. "Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week." "All right."
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Open this joke ›United States Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"
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Open this joke ›United States First Sailor (searching vainly for his ship after a few hours' leave): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"
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Open this joke ›United States Whiz: I see that newspaper’s slogan is: “All the News That’s Fit to Print!”
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Open this joke ›United States “Does your wife drive the car?”
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Open this joke ›United States “My wife ran the car into the fence the other day and knocked some paint off.”
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Open this joke ›United States “Your wife is very broadminded, isn’t she?”
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Open this joke ›United States “I wish I had lived three hundred years ago.” “Why?”
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Open this joke ›United States Small Girl: "I wonder how old Joan is?"
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Open this joke ›United States “I wonder if you could tell me where I could get a drink?”
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Open this joke ›United States “The world is round, isn’t it?” “Right-o.”
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Open this joke ›United States Youth: I just tore up that sonnet
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